An extract with appreciation from the NVC Monthly Newsletter, January 2024
One of the biggest misconceptions about NVC is that you are supposed to be nice or even permissive! Some people misinterpret NVC as being about not having boundaries!
This is a misconception both about NVC as well as about boundaries!
Boundaries can be an act of self-care as well as an act of care for the relationship or for something else. Boundaries can create clarity and safety.
NVC is not about being nice — especially if nice is not authentic. (In some NVC circles people differentiate between a form of “nice” that is inauthentic as contrasted with genuine kindness.)
So rather than focusing on being nice, NVC is actually about being real!
And being real can include setting very clear boundaries — firmly and with care — as an act of service to ourselves, others, and/or the world.
NVC techniques for setting boundaries
Below are some of the various ways NVC gives you for setting a healthy boundary.
Needs and Strategies
The first, is a language of needs. Once we understand what needs we’re trying to meet, setting a boundary becomes a strategy in service of those needs.
It’s much easier to know what kind of boundary to set if we understand what needs it is intended to serve.
Requests rather than Demands
In NVC we express requests rather than demands. So I make a clear, unequivocal request about the boundary I would like to have.
What if the other person says no?
If the situation is one in which we feel reasonably safe, and if there is enough trust between us, then a boundary can be negotiated mutually.
If we don’t feel reasonably safe, or if there is not enough trust to negotiate a boundary, then — and only as a last resort — we can take unilateral action in service of needs. More on this below.
Protective use of force vs punitive use of force
NVC does not have a prohibition against the use of force. Rather, NVC distinguishes between punitive use of force and protective use of force.
The word punitive has the same root as the verb to punish.
Therefore, punitive use of force has the intention to make someone else suffer. NVC recognizes that this is a short-sighted strategy that more often than not backfires and hurts not only others but us as well.
Protective use of force, on the other hand, is when force is used in order to protect life. One possible example would be pushing somebody hard, out of the way of an oncoming car in order to save that person’s life. The person who pushed did not engage in dialog — there was no time! They used their physical force without getting the other person’s consent — so it was unilateral.
But the intention was not to punish or hurt. To the contrary, the intention was to protect life.
There are times when we find we must use strong language or strong physical action in order to protect life.
In NVC, any unilateral action can be construed as a type of protective use of force.
However, NVC instructs us to use protective use of force, or any unilateral action, only as a last resort once we have exhausted all other possibilities.
In the context of boundaries, a negotiated, mutually agreed-upon strategy is, of course, the ideal. But sometimes this is not available and we need to establish a strong boundary in order to protect our or others’ needs.
Interrupting
Another skill NVC teaches you for creating healthy boundaries is the art of interrupting.
Conventional culture tells us that interrupting is rude. However, in NVC it is a key skill. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg called this skillful kind of interrupting, “bringing the conversation back to life!”
There are primarily two ways to interrupt with NVC. One is interrupting with honesty and the other is interrupting with empathy.
Interrupting with honesty might sound like, “I actually don’t have time to talk right now because I need to catch my train. I’ll follow up with you once I am settled on board.”
Interrupting with empathy might sound like, “Quick question — what I hear you saying is that you would like me to complete the project by this Friday. Am I understanding?”
Saying and receiving no
The word perhaps most commonly associated with boundary setting is the word “no.”
NVC gives us specific guidance on both expressing and receiving no.
One insight NVC reveals here is that anytime somebody says no to something it is because they’re saying yes to something else. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg called this listening for the yes behind the no.
NVC would guide you to avoid using phrases like “I can’t,” “I am unable”, and “I don’t want to.” Instead, NVC teaches you to express the needs that get in the way of saying yes.
Notice the following example:
Person A: “Would you be willing to take me to the post office right now?”
Person B: “I have an important client call in 5 minutes. How about afterwards or tomorrow? Is there someone else you can ask?”
In this case, Person B never used the word “no.” Instead, they expressed what was alive that got in the way of saying yes to the request. Rather than saying “no” to the request, Person B expressed what they were a yes for — in this case their client call and perhaps a ride later — and also offered an alternative strategy of asking someone else.
This is also the way you receive a no!
When someone gives you a no, you can assume that there are other needs to which they are saying yes.
It’s much easier to receive someone’s no — and to possibly have a conversation about it — when we intuit or connect with what their needs are behind the choice they’re making.
NVC helps you have healthier boundaries by:
understanding that boundaries are strategies in service of needs — and then further clarifying what those needs are,
knowing how to make clear, actionable requests,
understanding the limitations and nuances of enforcing boundaries through unilateral action,
knowing when and how to interrupt,
understanding how to express and receive “no.”
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Boundaries
Without healthy boundaries, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship.
Yet many of us are so conflict-averse that we will often avoid asserting a boundary in an attempt to preserve harmony.
The other side of the coin is that many of us take it as a personal criticism or affront when someone else states their boundary.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has left us with this wonderful legacy: we can have our honesty, clarity, and autonomy — including the ability to set clear boundaries — AND we can also have harmony, connection, and community.
Nonviolent Communication gives you concrete tools and skills so that you can have both!
NVC also teaches you how to receive another’s expression of a boundary in a way that hurts less. Because NVC gives you the insight that whatever someone else says or does is in the service of one or more needs, it becomes much easier to avoid taking anything personally.
NVC emphasizes mutually co-created outcomes. When it comes to strategies, that is the ideal.
Dr. Rosenberg reminded his students often that the goal is not to speak NVC correctly, but to connect. We we are connected, co- creating mutually satisfying outcomes becomes an available possibility.
So whenever you find yourself either on the receiving or the expressing side of a boundary being set, remember Dr. Rosenberg’s teaching to look for the yes behind the no. In other words, you can speak (or listen for) the needs that the boundary is in service of.
Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visit www.nonviolentcommunication.com to learn more about Nonviolent Communication.