By Marshall Rosenberg, Ph. D.
From Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation without Compromise
1
First, empathy requires presence, a focus on what is alive in the other person at this moment, on their feelings and needs.
2
Second, empathy requires checking things out with the other person, making sure you're connecting with their feelings and needs.
Each step mentioned so far can be done silently: being fully present, having your attention on the other person's feelings and needs. Or, we could check in verbally, reflect out loud what we sense the feelings and needs are.
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The third step for empathizing is to stay with the person until they give you signs that they're finished.
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The fourth step doesn't happen until the relief is felt. During the empathy process, if every time I understand something and they come back with, "Yes, and blah blah blah," that is a signal that they need more empathy. But when I feel this relief in tension, when I see that the person has stopped talking, chances are they've had the empathy they've need.
But I always like to triple check by saying to them, "Is there more that you'd like to say?" I've learned to be very slow in shifting the attention away from the other person to myself.
5
The fifth step, then, is to empathize with their "post-empathic" request, that something extra they want, but often don't know how to ask for. So if, after the empathy, I see them looking at me, I usually say, "Would you like to hear how I feel about what you said?" It's a very human thing to want to know how what you've given has affected the other person. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't want to hear how I feel.