Emotional Avoidance: The Hidden Crisis in Our Lives

“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”
— Gary Zukav

One of the most pervasive challenges we face, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behavior—where we actively avoid feeling and processing our emotions—has far-reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.

Emotional avoidance is the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don't simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as "emotional baggage," which can weigh us down and affect our future interactions.

The Cost of Emotional Avoidance

Dr. Mark Atkinson describes the cost of emotional avoidance succinctly:
“If I had to single out just one factor that represented the most common block to personal growth it would be this—emotion avoidance. Put simply, fear of feeling our emotions is pandemic amongst human beings and for many people at the heart of broken relationships, low levels of intimacy, unhappiness, unexplained bodily symptoms, and devitalization.”

We often fear our emotions, particularly those we label as negative—anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and contempt. But in reality, all emotions carry important information that can guide our actions and decisions. By avoiding these emotions, we miss out on the insights they provide, leading to unresolved tensions and, ultimately, to dysfunctional relationships and environments.

The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance

Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:

1. The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over in passive-aggressive behaviors—missed deadlines, "forgetting" tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviors aren't even recognized by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.

2. The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.

Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.

The Cultural Collusion with Avoidance

Despite the personal and relational costs, emotional avoidance is often encouraged by cultural norms. We tell people to "check their emotions at the door" or to "not bring feelings to work." Children are socialized to deny what they feel, often instructed to apologize when they don’t mean it, to smile when they’re sad, or to say "thank you" when they’re angry.

This widespread cultural message perpetuates the cycle of avoidance. Those who suppress their feelings may not even realize the impact of their actions, while those who express their emotions often face social reprimand for being too "emotional."

Where Do We Begin?

The crisis of emotional avoidance is a collective one, and no one is immune. The first step toward addressing this issue is awareness. Recognizing whether you tend toward avoidance or confrontation when triggered gives you the power to make different choices.

Ask yourself:

• How aware are you of your own emotional patterns?

• Do you tend to avoid or confront when emotions run high?

• How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings and asserting yourself?

• How effectively do you engage in conflict?

And consider these questions for those around you, whether in your personal relationships or professional environment. Emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof, impacts all our interactions, and as long as we continue to swim in the waters of emotional avoidance, it will be difficult to address underlying toxicity in any context.

Conclusion

Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognizing our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connection, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.

Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast!

Interview by Andrea Samadi on 7/30/24

Welcome back to Season 12 of the Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast! In episode number 340, host Andrea Samadi speaks with John Ford, an experienced workplace mediator and author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager's Guide to Workplace Mediation." With a wealth of expertise in conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and soft skills training, John shares his journey from practicing law to becoming a mediator. He discusses the importance of trust, effective communication, and addressing conflict head-on in both personal and professional settings. Discover practical tools like talking sticks and empathy cards, and learn how to apply neuroscience and emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts and improve workplace dynamics. Don't miss this insightful conversation that bridges the gap between science and everyday application!

Topics we will cover:

* The importance of acquiring Emotional Intelligence Skills for conflict resolution in our workplaces of the future.
* The influencers who inspired John Ford's work (Daniel Goleman, John Gottman, Ken Cloke and many more.
* Tools and resources to support Conflict Resolution in our workplaces.

Watch our interview on YouTube here https://lnkd.in/g5PE6v9N  or

Listen https://lnkd.in/gsiZZUsj  on Podbean.

hashtag#emotionalintelligence hashtag#JohnFord hashtag#schools hashtag#Sports hashtag#workplace hashtag#conflictresolution hashtag#SEL hashtag#neuroscience hashtag#softskills hashtag#empathy

Reflections on Inside Out 2

By Dr Paul Ekman

I had the privilege of serving as a scientific advisor to the first Inside Out movie and the pleasure of seeing the sequel last week along with family and friends. After the first movie came out, I wrote a Parents’ Guide and after enjoying the sequel, was inspired to write a few reflections.

The sequel of Inside Out includes the same emotion characters (joy, sadness, anger, disgust and fear) we got to know in the first installation, with the addition of a few new characters as Riley enters puberty.

Moving into adolescence

The onset of adolescence is depicted in the film by a demolition team. While this humorous metaphor captures the bold and sometimes unpredictable changes that occur in puberty, it is also important to note that adolescence does not “tear down” the emotional structures in place of childhood, though it certainly adds layers of complexity and emotional development for teenagers.

New emotion characters

The new emotions that make an appearance are: anxiety, embarrassment, envy and ennui. We also get a sneak peek at nostalgia, though the running joke is that it is not yet their time to appear. 

Anxiety

In Inside Out 2, the addition of anxiety plays an important role as a key character in the movie, and is introduced as a kind of “companion” character to fear. There is a line in the movie acknowledging the similarities between the characters, in which anxiety explains that fear’s role is to protect Riley from dangers that are seen, and that anxiety’s role is to protect Riley from dangers that are unseen. Anxiety focuses on future projections of possible failures, in the attempt to prepare and steer Riley in the direction of success and accomplishment. While many emotion scientists (myself included) wouldn’t distinguish anxiety as a separate emotion distinct from the larger family of fear-based emotions, creating a new character highlighting  anxiety adds to the storyline and takeaways from the film. 

Finding ways to embrace and temper anxiety, rather than let it solely “run the show” provides a powerful climax and denouement to the story. With the significant increase among teenagers of anxiety and depression, the character of anxiety provides a window into the intense period of self-consciousness and desire to be included in adolescence which underpins all of anxiety’s machinations for control. While in the movie we see this play out in real-time friendships, the social lives of many teens is played out largely online. We can feel the same intensity of emotions when worried about our social connections in person or online. 

Embarrassment

Embarrassment makes its entrance in the moments of the newly heightened self-consciousness often paired with adolescence. Embarrassment develops as we become more aware of our increasingly complex social norms and expectations and we try to find our ways of “fitting in” within it. This process is often highlighted during adolescence, a period of development marked by a growing sense of identity formation. Interestingly embarrassment also exhibits the most empathy and understanding for the exiled emotions, as a ‘self conscious’ embarrassment is tightly tied to our impression of others around us. While not scientifically tied to empathy, embarrassment shows a greater perspective taking than the rest of the newly joined puberty emotions.

Envy

Envy also plays an important role in a developing “sense of self” and “sense of place” within social structures, as the character reflects on the qualities and characteristics of others seen as valuable and desirable and tries to position Riley advantageously. Envy is shown to be connected with contempt. It is the upward/inflated comparison of another as better or having more, instead of disgust which is a downward/diminishing comparison of another being toxic. It could have been meaningful to consider contempt, which is where our negative social judgments often reside. Contempt is a feeling of superiority towards others, a judgment of being better or “one up”. Contempt and envy are likely an emotion intensified by social media which creates a perfect platform for persistent upward and downward comparison with friends and strangers.

Ennui

Ennui is an interesting addition, as it is also not considered to be a distinct emotion by many emotion scientists, though the value added to the storyline is clear. Ennui is a French word used to describe weariness, dissatisfaction, or boredom- states which are often experienced by teens, and sometimes confusing or frustrating to their parents. The character provides numerous moments of humor throughout the film, as Riley oscillates between anxious moments of overcompensating and ennui moments of  trying to “play it cool”. Ennui has obvious ties to contempt, described above, which I have often felt is a very teenage emotion. Many teens feel a sense of withering superiority towards their parents which can lead to the ennui (“no one understands and I can’t be bothered”) behavior seen in the film.

Sense of self

The movie also explores the expansion of core beliefs and sense of self, mirroring the growing complexity of identity formation and self reflection key in the developmental stages of adolescence and into adulthood. As with the first film, there is a meaningful, though scientifically inaccurate, portrayal of what is sometimes referred to in psychotherapy as our “internal working model” of self. Joy, as in the first movie, is trying to selectively curate the memories and ideas that constitute who Riley is, to be only the positive side of herself. Anxiety finds this “totally positive” view naive and hopelessly uncool, a social poison for Riley entering highschool. Anxiety attempts to create a new socially savvy working model but it is too self-centered and turns aggressive. Both Joy and Anxiety fail when they try to overly curate a sense of self. All of us (our most charismatic, empathic, as well as annoying and cringeworthy moments) are part of an ongoing narrative understanding of the fullness of who we are. 

More to explore

I can hope that Inside Out 3 could include compassion. While it is not exactly an emotion, it is a meaningful strategy for us to more fully embrace all of our emotions. Compassion meditations with our difficult emotions can help us see that ALL of us are in the same boat when it comes to our difficult emotions- and that we can be the friendly loving presence we offer to others when feeling stressed, sad, or overwhelmed. Cultivating Emotional Balance, a training I co-created with Alan Wallace and which has been led by my daughter Eve Ekman is another resource for deepening our understanding of emotions through mapping individual emotion experience and applying mindfulness to our experience. Some of these tools are also available through the Atlas of Emotion website. 

All in all, it was a joy to watch and feel along with Inside Out 2.

If you haven’t already, check out the original A Parents’ Guide to Disney-Pixar’s Inside Out.

Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad. Dr. Ekman has compiled over 50 years of his research to create comprehensive training tools to read the hidden emotions of those around you.

Embracing Emotionality: Foundational Beliefs About Our Emotions

Emotions play a crucial role in our lives, shaping our experiences, decisions, and actions. By understanding and embracing our emotionality, we can lead more fulfilling and authentic lives. Here are some foundational beliefs about emotionality that highlight its importance:

1. Human Beings Are Emotional and Emotions Are Part of an Open System Emotions are integral to our human experience. They are not isolated or static but part of an open system that interacts with our environment, thoughts, and behaviors. This interconnectedness means that our emotional responses are influenced by and influence the world around us.

2. All Emotions Are Valid, Despite Our Labels of Negative and Positive Society often labels emotions as either negative or positive, but in reality, all emotions are valid and serve a purpose. Anger, sadness, joy, and fear all provide valuable information about our needs and experiences. By accepting all our emotions without judgment, we can better understand ourselves and others.

3. Emotions Provide Vital Decision-Making Information Emotions are not just feelings to be ignored or suppressed; they are essential sources of information that guide our decision-making processes. Emotions alert us to what is important, what needs attention, and what actions we might consider taking. Ignoring our emotions can lead to poor decisions and missed opportunities for growth.

4. Emotions Provide Energy for Action but Are Not the Same as Behavior While emotions can drive us to act, they are distinct from our behaviors. Recognizing this distinction allows us to harness the energy that emotions provide without being controlled by them. We can choose how to respond to our emotions in ways that are constructive and aligned with our values.

5. Emotion Drives Reason More Than Reason Drives Emotion Contrary to the belief that reason should always prevail over emotion, research shows that our emotions often drive our reasoning processes. Emotions provide the context and urgency that shape our thoughts and decisions. By acknowledging this, we can better integrate our emotional and rational selves.

6. We Can Choose How We Relate to Our Feelings While we may not always control our initial emotional responses, we can choose how we relate to and manage these feelings. Developing emotional intelligence and self-awareness helps us respond to our emotions in healthy and productive ways, fostering resilience and well-being.

7. We Change When We Allow Ourselves to Feel Personal growth and transformation occur when we allow ourselves to fully experience and process our emotions. Suppressing or avoiding emotions can hinder our development and lead to emotional stagnation. Embracing our feelings, on the other hand, opens the door to healing, learning, and change.

In conclusion, understanding and embracing our emotionality is key to leading a balanced and fulfilling life. By recognizing the validity and importance of our emotions, we can use them as a guide to make better decisions, take meaningful actions, and foster personal growth.

What Inside Out 2 Reveals About the Diversity of Emotions

The new Pixar film explores adolescence by bringing its complicated feelings to life.

BY DEMOND HILL JR. | JUNE 18, 2024

In 2015, Inside Out hit theaters and soon became renowned for its creative and scientific brilliance. In the movie, nine-year-old girl Riley moves with her mother and father from Minnesota to San Francisco, which means she needs to navigate a new life–social, school, and home.

The emotion characters from Inside Out 2: Ennui, Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, Joy, Fear, Disgust, Anger, Sadness

Riley’s primary emotions become characters in the movie, each with their own personalities: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. The story largely takes place inside Riley’s head, in a place called Headquarters, where these emotions work together to help her to find her way in a new city–and to achieve a balanced emotional state.

Inside Out is more than just an animated film. It’s a thoughtful and profound exploration of the human emotional experience, highlighting the importance of all emotions, not just happiness, for one’s positive well-being. By creatively and empathetically portraying the inner workings of Riley’s mind, Inside Out reminds us that understanding and embracing our emotions while prioritizing positive relationships fosters a sense of safety and belonging despite the challenges we encounter.

This past Friday, Pixar released a sequel to Inside Out. In part two, Riley is now thirteen years old and she’s pushed into a new development stage, which brings to life new emotions inside of her: Anxiety, Ennui, Nostalgia, and Embarrassment, each one a complex character in its own right. She is changing. Her body is changing. Her mind is changing. Her social world is changing. As time passes and interactions unfold, her body or emotions keep the score and are reflected in her everyday behaviors. On her journey, Riley feels true pain, hurt, remorse, and, most importantly, grief—the grief of her past self–and the grace required to heal, along with the challenges of unconditionally loving the new self.

As many Greater Good readers already know, Pixar turned to the Greater Good Science Center and our faculty director (and my mentor), Dacher Ketlner, for help in grounding Inside Out and its sequel in the science of emotion. And indeed, science and art converge ever so gently in these two movies, reminding us of our innermost and outer (childlike) selves. But, when you look closer to the margins, major question is raised as a critical emotion science scholar: what does the new movie reveal about the science of our emotions, and what or who was left out of the film?

The beauty of emotion science on screen

While many scientists agree that emotions are universal and inherited, more and more scholars see how they are expressed as very social. These researchers study how our daily interactions with others shape our feelings, thoughts, and actions.

In the film, Riley’s emotions are influenced by her interactions with others and her social environment, like a hockey camp with high-school girls. Riley is shown to be easily influenced by the social expectations around her. The first Inside Out movie suggests that emotions are linked to past experiences, especially in how childhood experiences shape our understanding of feelings, ourselves, and the world.

In the new movie, Riley’s emotions intensify as she tries to maintain her relationships with her best friends while trying to impress a new group of friends. This storyline demonstrates how social expectations and norms affect our emotions and behavior as Riley shifts between the two groups.

The film emphasizes that emotions are key to communication, and her emotions help Riley build and repair relationships with her peers. Emotions/characters like Fear, Disgust, Anger, and Embarrassment act as signals to protect her in different situations, like pulling away after realizing she held her friend Val’s hand for too long. Inside Out 2 clearly shows that emotions are social and serve social functions, demonstrating that our interactions, cultural backgrounds, and everyday experiences shape our feelings.

There are also sociological perspectives on emotions. In the early 1980s, sociologists focused on feelings and emotions, exploring their role in human motivation and social structures. Many argue that emotions are inherited and biological but still shaped by historical, social, and political contexts. Although Inside Out 2 doesn’t explicitly follow this sociological view, it aligns with Arlie Hochschild’s “Emotional Labor” and “Feeling Rules” concepts.

Emotional Labor is about managing feelings and behaviors to show certain emotions publicly, often to fit in or be accepted. Feeling Rules are social guidelines that tell us how and when to feel certain emotions, varying across different contexts. In the film, Riley adjusts her emotions to get positive reactions from others, and she follows social-feeling rules, which increases her anxiety.

That concept is rarely applied to children, but my own “Emotion as Play” research examines how young African American people use Emotional Labor and Feeling Rules. Watching the film, I realized that emotional labor is like a weight people carry, and they need social, emotional, and physical effort to manage it. Riley’s struggles with moving into different spheres and fitting into them show how these pressures build up over time, affecting her deeply. In this way, Inside Out 2 highlights that adolescence is a critical time when mental health issues often become more noticeable and intense.

The scientific power of the humanities

Inside Out 2 is such a beautiful display of science and art. It opens our minds to possibilities and reminds us of how central emotions are to our humanity. However, the film missed a vital opportunity to bring to light the real stars of the show, who seemed to have been pushed out on the margins. Just where are Love, Grace, and Empathy?

While some argue that love is not an emotion in the strictest scientific sense, both science and the humanities have long considered Love–along with Grace, and Empathy–as crucial to the development of communities of wellness. By using research from the humanities, we can see how they appear in the film and how they could help build families and communities that focus on mental health and well-being. Inside Out 2 hints at these deeper connections and helps us to understand what they reveal about ourselves and each other–and they led me to reflect on how the movie highlights certain concepts from science and the humanities

A Critical Love Ethic: This is a conception of love that requires truth, understanding, and acceptance. Through her various moments, Riley was forced to sit with herself–as she spent time tossing and turning in her bed alone, her mind working, her emotions intense. It seemed like the only thing that freed her from herself and the expectation of her environment was love from her best friends Bree (of African descent) and Grace (of Asian descent). These two possess what thinkers like bell hooks, James Baldwin, and Toni Morrison refer to as a Critical Love Ethic.

As bell hooks outlines, Riley is suffering from the oppressive forces of societal expectation or pressure that led to the distortion of her sense of self and, most importantly, her connection to herself. Critical Love Ethic is a counter-cultural idea that argues for collective resistance to the social norms, feelings rules, and social expectations that lead to the suppression of emotions to help create a society of human flourishing. A Critical Love Ethic equates love with strength, courage, and truth, which was displayed beautifully by both Bree and Grace as they, through the power of love, bridge differences and provide Riley the reassurance to feel safe but held accountable for her behavior without further embarrassment.

Although I yearned for love throughout the film, I found my moments and rejoiced in it because I had the chance to witness young people practice a Critical Love Ethic. Integrating love into children’s or youth films is not a superficial act but a radical act of care, compassion, and belonging that will have the power to change the world around us for all.

Grace Abundance: Grace is a multifaceted concept that encompasses love, gentleness, and a sense of inner peace and disrupts traditional definitions. In many eyes, Grace is something we all need to show others and show ourselves as the world around us gets faster and more complex. Many of us have the weight of the world on our shoulders–with stress compounding and trauma continuing to increase, taking a tremendous toll on our mental health. We are sometimes hardest on ourselves –when we do not meet expectations and deadlines or show up as our best selves. Grace is the ability to slow down, get grounded, and speak life into the nooks and crannies of your imperfections–because for others, your imperfections are beautiful, too.

Riley needs some Grace (literally and emotionally) in her life to ease the weight she carries trying to be all the things all at once. But, as marginalized groups have always done due to the realities of an unjust world, we rely on unique, often not spoken or understood emotions to uplift and, at times, resist in order to thrive. Riley’s best friends extend Grace to her, reminding her that their love is unwavering, that their care is unconditional, and that it will simply be okay. It seems to me that Inside Out 2 missed an opportunity in not explicitly naming and making space for Grace in Riley’s story.

Empathetic Desires: Empathy is the ability to understand why someone feels the way they do, why they are doing the things they do, and how that is informed by who they are as an entire person (e.g., identity, lived experiences, upbringing). Empathy requires sensitivity to the world, a desire for a deep sense of connection, and acknowledgment that other people are different from you and have different feelings.

When individuals truly understand and feel what someone else is going through, they are more likely to offer support, comfort, or assistance. This compassionate response is fundamental in nurturing and sustaining personal and professional relationships. Riley, through her ups and downs, is extended empathy by those around her, even those who she is trying to impress, like her new friend Val, who was a simultaneous source of anxiety and comfort.

Despite Riley’s awkward and quirky behavior, Val is gentle to her, comforts her, celebrates her, and cares for her. She simply wants Riley to be herself and not conform to the expectations that are both explicit and implicit. In the end, Inside Out 2 reminds me of James Baldwin’s liberating words in The Fire Next Time: “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word love here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being or a state of grace—not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”

Demond Hill Jr.

Demond Hill Jr. is a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Social Welfare at the University of California, Berkeley. His research focuses on the mental health and emotional well-being of Black children and youth, their families, and communities.

© 2024 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

Five Practices for a Healthier Emotional Life

Source: ChatGPT

Five Practices for a Healthier Emotional Life

Inside Out 2 teaches that all emotions are useful, the difficult ones included. So how do we accept and work with our feelings?

BY LAINIE ROWELL | JUNE 13, 2024

The much-anticipated sequel Inside Out 2 premieres in theaters, making it a perfect time to revisit the science behind the original 2015 Pixar hit that brought psychological research into the public eye and emphasized the importance of embracing all emotions.

I recently talked with Dacher Keltner, one of the world’s foremost emotion scientists, the cofounder and faculty director of the Greater Good Science Center, and the scientific consultant for the first Inside Out. His collaboration with Pixar brought the science of emotion to the public in an engaging and impactful way.

His message to the creators of Inside Out was that what we often label as negative emotions—such as sadness, anger, and fear—are not just inevitable parts of being human but are essential to our emotional and psychological health. “All of the emotions have their purpose,” says Keltner. “Even an emotion like envy can lead you to good things if you use it in the right way and don’t hurt people.”

Sadness, anger, and fear connect us deeply with others, foster empathy, and serve as crucial alerts in our lives. Rather than suppress these feelings, argues Keltner, we should acknowledge and manage them. In some contexts, we may even want to lean into these emotions. For example, we might want to leverage an emotion such as anger in competitive settings like sports or an academic debate.

Keltner’s work continued with Inside Out 2, which explores more complex emotions such as anxiety. That’s timely, given that 30–40% of young people are grappling with anxiety or depression. As the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, Marc Brackett, explains, anxiety does serve a purpose, like all so-called negative emotions.

“Anxiety narrows our attention and improves our focus on details,” Brackett says. “It makes us anticipate what could go wrong. That may not seem like a feeling we’d welcome, but it’s a good frame of mind when we’re performing tasks involving numbers, such as finances.” Anxiety, while uncomfortable, prepares us for effective action by alerting us to potential dangers.

“The film arrives at a thesis that really you can find in all the great contemplative traditions, like Buddhist meditation, prayer, etc.: Be kind to yourself, be open and accepting of all human experiences,” says Keltner.

We need these emotions to guide us, serving as signals and signposts that help us stay safe—even alerting us when professional help may be necessary, especially when these intense and unpleasant feelings are pervasive and relentless.

Thus, embracing the full spectrum of emotions helps us understand their purpose and manage them effectively. According to Keltner, Brackett, and other emotion scientists, the goal isn’t to completely eliminate certain emotions but to regulate them so that we don’t have too many occurrences, can avoid overreaction, and don’t stay in those unpleasant emotions too long.

But how do we do that? Managing unpleasant emotions effectively involves more than just understanding them; it requires active engagement in practices that transform our relationship with these emotions. Here are insights and strategies I’ve gleaned from a few of my interviews with leading social scientists and my own exploration into the science.

Self-compassion: “The self-criticism that my students at Yale experience is just terrible,” says Laurie Santos of Yale University. She teaches that a better path to pursuing their goals and to motivating themselves could be through more self-compassion. She went on to share, “When they try it out, they start to realize . . . being kind to myself is actually pretty helpful and makes me procrastinate less and obviously makes me a lot happier.”

Strategy: Write a letter to yourself from a compassionate friend’s perspective. This form of psychological distancing has us using “you” and “your” and could look something like, “You’ve been pushing yourself really hard. Just a reminder that perfection isn’t the goal; progress is. Every step you take is bringing you closer to where you want to be. Keep going. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.”

• Self-Compassionate Letter

  Stop beating yourself up for flaws and mistakes

  Try It Now

Awe: Dacher Keltner describes awe as essential for mental and physical well-being. “There’s nothing better for you than a few minutes of awe,” claims Keltner. “It’s good for your immune system, it’s good for your heart, it’s good for your digestion, it’s good for your brain, it’s good for your sense of self, it’s good for your relationships.” This emphasizes how everyday encounters with awe can transform our lives.

Strategy: Everyday awe is attainable; we can use “awe outings” to appreciate the physical vastness and novelty in the world around us. Reflect on these transcendent moments to amplify their benefits and share the wonder with others to boost connectedness.

• Awe Outing

  Find wonder and inspiration in the world outside

  Try It Now

Gratitude: Science reveals that gratitude can have an outsized, positive effect on well-being and relationships. Researcher Andrea Hussong suggests a practical approach to practicing gratitude focusing on “notice, think, feel, do”:

• Notice the things in your life that you can be grateful for.

• Think deeply about why you have been given this thing you value.

• Reflect on how you feel about the gift you have been given.

• What can you do to express appreciation?

The first three prompts are really about reflecting to experience gratitude, and the last prompt is a call to action to express gratitude.

Strategy: Gratitude journaling leads to better health and happiness, and there is no one way to do it. Consider using the “notice, think, feel, do” approach in your journaling to deepen the practice. We want to focus on depth over breadth and get specific on what we are grateful for. Possible topics include everyday things, family members, friends, health, coincidences, nature, experiences, tough times, places, or life lessons.

• Gratitude Journal

  Count your blessings and enjoy better health and happiness

  Try It Now

Connection: Robert Waldinger’s research underscores the importance of maintaining robust social connections, which he calls “social fitness,” for both emotional and physical health. He shares, “‘Social fitness’ was a way to signal this is something you want to do every day, every week, small actions, just to keep in contact with the people you care about and to strengthen the connections you have with the people who are most important to you.” The power of our social bonds are not just about grand gestures, but more about the small, consistent acts of connection.

Strategy: Enhance social fitness by engaging in regular social activities, maintaining friendships, and participating in community events that cultivate strong interpersonal bonds. We can even make small talk with a stranger for social fitness.

• Small Talk

  Strike up a brief conversation with a stranger to feel happier

  Try It Now

Kindness: “No one has ever become poor by giving,” Anne Frank famously noted, illustrating how prosocial behavior not only nurtures relationships but also plays a crucial role in our happiness. Performing acts of kindness mitigates stress and improves our mood, creating a cycle of positivity that strengthens our emotional resilience and enriches our social interactions.

Strategy: Even small acts of kindness can have a huge impact on the giver and the receiver. This could be anything from complimenting a coworker, helping a neighbor, or sending a thoughtful message to a friend. Capturing these acts in a journal can also magnify the positive results, making us more aware of our contributions to others’ happiness and our own.

• Random Acts of Kindness

  How to feel happier by doing things for others

  Try It Now

These practices not only regulate emotions and reduce stress but also promote a greater sense of community. Keltner points out that “one of the fascinating things about the transcendent emotions—awe, compassion, gratitude, bliss, joy—is that they potentiate each other. And in a state of awe, what our studies show is people feel more generous, more cooperative, more humble, less self-focused. They’re more likely to see the humanity in other people.”

Every emotion, from joy to jealousy, sadness to satisfaction, has a purpose in our lives. As demonstrated in Inside Out and further explored in Inside Out 2, these emotions are not random but are essential components of our human experience, uniquely contributing to our personal growth and understanding.

Reflecting on the sequel, Keltner highlights a vital message: “I think [Inside Out 2] has a profoundly important message for our time about young people accepting themselves and valuing the right things, like friendship.” This insight underlines the significance of self-acceptance and the value of meaningful relationships in navigating today’s complex emotional landscapes.

Let’s actively engage with one of the strategies we’ve discussed—whether it’s taking awe outings, practicing positive self-talk, or strengthening social connections—and integrate it regularly into our lives. Learning from our emotions and applying these strategies, we can thrive, becoming more resilient and compassionate individually and collectively.

 © 2024 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn postgraduate degrees in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across four continents. She is the author of Evolving with Gratitude and the lead author of Evolving Learner. Her latest, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You & By You, is an innovative and interactive gratitude journal that empowers individuals of all ages to embrace their unique preferences and express gratitude in their own way.

Seven Ways to Be an Emotionally Intelligent Leader

Emotional intelligence skills can improve your well-being and help you be a better leader.

BY ROBIN STERN, JANET PATTI, KRISTA SMITH | JUNE 5, 2024

David, a school counselor, took a deep breath when he saw a missed call from his principal. As he touched the screen to call back, he braced for the “bark and the bite” he was accustomed to hearing from Principal Carrie.

This time was different.

In fact, he told us he was stunned when the voice that picked up sounded kind, even cheerful. He couldn’t believe it. After years of working together, he had grown to dread interactions with Principal Carrie, as had most of his colleagues. But this was clearly a different version of her. Who was this new principal, and what had she done with Carrie?

Carrie was finishing up a year of engagement in emotionally intelligent leadership coaching—a program designed to enhance leaders’ well-being through education and training in social and emotional skills.

Recent research from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence supports the notion that emotionally intelligent school leadership predicts educator well-being, and we know that well-being and emotional intelligence skills are necessary for effective leadership, especially in times of crisis—from higher job satisfaction to lower emotional exhaustion and turnover intentions. Indeed, even when leaders, especially in education, have little to no control over their environment, they have control over their own behavior and can still cultivate a culture of healthy relationships and emotionally intelligent responses to uncontrollable circumstances. School leaders who have decided to invest in their own emotional intelligence and well-being consistently report interactions like the one between David and Carrie.

But doing so is no easy feat. Carrie came to us as many school leaders have in recent years: chronically stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. The job she loved was feeling increasingly unsustainable. Her distress was also affecting her colleagues, to the detriment of teachers and students alike. Carrie had been in education for nearly 25 years, but it was the last four years that had shaken the sustainability of her career. And who could blame her?

Ever-shifting rules, regulations, and ripple effects of the pandemic brought demands on school staff and leadership to a peak, straining an already turbulent educational landscape. Monitoring COVID-19 absences, distributing laptops in bulk, adapting curriculum for uncharted virtual territory, and consoling frightened, grieving students and families suddenly became daily tasks for which school leaders were held accountable.

Those new responsibilities added to pre-existing pressures and crises that they were already navigating daily, such as teacher turnover, inequitable funding, politicization of learning material, mental health, school safety, standardized testing, and, of course, the overwhelming influence of social media, artificial intelligence, and technology. Altogether, these factors created a web of uncertainties and challenges so great for even the most effective, seasoned leader to sustain.

So, where does that leave school leaders like Carrie?

While she could not fix, on a day-to-day basis, the systemic problems that made her job so stressful, Carrie could invest in her well-being by regularly practicing emotion regulation techniques and modeling these behaviors for others, like practicing reframing and turning moments of harsh criticism to compassion. While she could not eliminate the stress, she could be more committed to getting more sleep, cutting down on sugar, and walking 10 minutes a day—activities that will positively affect mental and physical well-being. It is crucial that school leaders have the tools to realistically assess what they can and can’t do to create greater well-being and leader effectiveness.

And this is just what Carrie did—and all school leaders can do—using strategies provided in our new book, Emotional Intelligence for School Leaders. We offer tips for harnessing a healthier you and, in turn, healthier relationships. It’s this emotionally intelligent leadership that will help you to not just survive but thrive in the ever-demanding landscape of education.

Emotional Intelligence for School Leaders (Harvard Education PR, 2023, 304 pages)

Check in with your emotions regularly—and honor them. Before rushing into the hectic schedule of each day, pencil in time to sit and reflect on how you feel. Your emotions give you important information. They are not something to simply ignore or push away. Your emotions will inevitably influence your conversations, behaviors, and relationships whether you notice it or not (recall David’s long-held impression of Carrie). Prior to a meeting, event, or other obligation, prioritize a few minutes to honor and assess your own well-being. This could be through silent reflection, journaling, or even apps on your phone like How We Feel, a handheld journal that helps you name, track, and better understand your emotions.

Regulate your emotions. Checking in with your emotions is one crucial piece of the emotional intelligence puzzle; you have to be able to name it to tame it. Regulating, or managing, those emotions is another. While feeling joyful or proud may not require strategies to help you stay grounded, feeling angry or burned out certainly do—and you may experience all of these emotions on any given school day. Identify strategies that are sustainable and beneficial for managing your big emotions in challenging moments, such as mindful breathing, meditation, or pausing your schedule to take a walk outside before a demanding situation overwhelms you. Such practices don’t actually take up much time—just a few minutes—but the benefits are evergreen.

Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. We know how hard this one can be. In an environment that constantly asks you to say “yes,” we challenge you to say “no” more often. This can look like rescheduling a meeting (or canceling it if it “could’ve been an email”) or extending a deadline for your colleagues so everyone has some breathing room. Leaning on emotion regulation techniques above, identify circumstances that are most emotionally taxing for you, which tasks you can delegate to others (don’t be afraid to ask for help!), and where you can reallocate your energy for better use.

Listen with empathy and without judgment. School leaders cannot afford to be “too busy” to listen to each other and elicit feedback in school settings. Active listening builds trust. The moment we are too overbooked to engage in authentic conversation with colleagues, we can quickly lose our emotional regulation, our boundaries, and our purpose. It’s a slippery slope to devolving into unhealthy, transactional relationships. Even in the most strenuous circumstances, aim to be an emotion scientist—curious about your own and others’ emotions—and a learner, not just a responder in times of crisis.

Reflect often. It is critical that school leaders create safe spaces or practices dedicated to self-care through self-reflection. Some leaders pipe in music to create a meditative environment throughout school hallways, others close their doors to give themselves space when needed. Some take a five-minute walking meditation outside the school. We have seen more and more leaders embrace personal/professional coaching to create regular time to reflect on actions taken, decisions to be made, and emotional responses. Because leadership entails co-regulation, reflection leads to opportunities for strengthening your own emotion regulation muscles as well as co-regulating with others.

Nurture your relationships. The people you work with will enhance your mood or squash it. And you can enhance or squash theirs. Aim to be the enhancer by greeting people with a smile, asking them how they are feeling and taking time to listen to the answer, creating opportunities for everyone’s voice to be heard, giving others a shoutout when they achieve, and remembering to be a curious emotion scientist. Investing time and energy in your relationships will make all the difference in building trust and motivation needed for others to wholeheartedly join you in making your vision a reality.

Model for others. Emotions are social and contagious components of life. When you prioritize your own emotional well-being, boundaries, and interpersonal relationships, it shows and it rubs off on others. Just as annoyance or frustration from your morning meeting can spill into your afternoon check-in, so can your balance, appreciation, or gratitude. In using the techniques we’ve discussed, you simultaneously model for others what emotional intelligence looks like in practice to the benefit of your students, staff, and self.

© 2023 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

What are your Unfelts costing you?

“Jim, what are you feeling?” said the marriage counselor.

“I feel like my wife doesn’t get it,” replied our co-founder Jim Dethmer, then in his mid-20s.

A wry smile crossed the counselor’s face. He turned around, pulled a book from the shelf, and opened it to a page that listed various emotions.

“Jim,” he said, handing the book over, “From now on, whenever I ask you how you’re feeling, I’d like you to look at this page, find a feeling that matches your internal experience, and then say, ‘I feel that.’”

Sad. Anxious. Happy. Scared. Delighted. Peaceful.

This is emotional literacy: The ability to say “I feel,” followed by a feeling statement.

It sounds basic, but it’s something many of the leaders we coach never learned. Jim hadn’t.

When we first start working with leaders on this, they may only be able to distinguish “I feel good” and “I feel bad.”

The more literate they become, the more they can make accurate distinctions about their emotions and feelings.

From there, leaders can practice emotional intelligence, tap into the wisdom of their emotions, and make better decisions all around.

Why Your Feelings Matter in Leadership

While “leaving your feelings at the door” is common in workplaces, ignoring or suppressing feelings can have significant costs for leaders. Here are 7 ways not fully feeling your feelings can impact your leadership:

1. Reduced Resilience: Leaders may find themselves less able to respond adaptively in challenging situations, as unprocessed emotions can cloud judgment and decision-making.
   

2. Impaired Decision-Making: Emotional information is crucial for decision-making. Leaders who disconnect from their feelings may make choices that are misaligned with their values and the needs of their organization.
   

3. Decreased Team Morale and Trust: Emotional transparency is crucial in building trust and intimacy within a team. Leaders who do not express their true feelings may struggle to form deep relationships with their team members, which are essential for creating a cohesive and supportive work environment.
   

4. Stunted Personal and Professional Growth: Leaders who avoid certain emotions are likely to miss important insights and opportunities for development.
   

5. Increased Stress and Burnout: Suppressing emotions can lead to chronic stress and eventually burnout, as the energy required to manage unexpressed emotions is taxing and unsustainable.
   

6. Loss of Authenticity: When leaders do not fully feel their emotions, they miss out on the opportunity to be authentic. This can create a disconnect between their inner experiences and outward actions, leading to less genuine interactions with their teams and colleagues.
   

7. Compromised Integrity: Fully feeling your feelings is one of the four pillars of integrity, necessary for full aliveness and energetic wholeness. Unfelt emotions can kink your energy flow, and create a sense of drag that keeps you from your full potential.

Developing Your Emotional Intelligence 

Understanding and working with your emotions is a powerful skill that can radically transform your leadership. It’s one of the fundamentals we teach all the leaders we coach. A good place to start is by reading (or revisiting) the most popular article we’ve ever written: The Cognitive Emotive Loop: What it is, Why it Keeps you Stuck, and How to Break Free.

Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, Erica Schreiber, from The Conscious Leadership Group,

The Conscious Leadership Group (CLG) is a consultancy founded by Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman. We bring a radical new leadership conversation to the organizational world through coaching, consulting, forums, events, keynotes, and online resources.

The State of the Heart Report

The Six Seconds Model of emotional intelligence is a framework for measuring and improving emotional intelligence. Based on 30 years of practice & research, Six Seconds created this model to provide an actionable process for learning and growing these essential skills.

Each year, tens of thousands of people all over the world take the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence assessment (SEI) to measure and improve emotional intelligence, wellbeing and relationships. The State of the Heart report analyzes this dataset to provide essential insights on global trends in emotional health and wellbeing. Unfortunately, this year's report reveals some massive challenges.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

1. Global emotional intelligence scores have declined for four consecutive years. From 2019 to 2023, global average emotional intelligence scores declined 5.54%; scores on every individual competency also dropped.

2. The world has entered an “emotional recession” - characterized by low wellbeing and high burnout. Wellbeing scores declined for the past four years, dropping 5.3%.

3. Gen Z faces a mental and emotional health crisis fueled by loneliness and social isolation. In the workplace, 53.7% of Gen Z scored in the low satisfaction category - signaling especially high risk for disengagement and burnout for younger workers.

4. A striking gender divide has emerged in the post-pandemic era. Starting in 2021, women’s emotional intelligence and 75% of women’s life success factor scores rebounded, even as men’s scores continued multi-year declines. While lagging wellbeing is a cause for concern, the overall trend for women is positive.

5. Workplaces across industries face rapid change in the post-pandemic era, due to a range of challenges including the transition to hybrid work and the rise of AI. From 2021 to 2023, burnout increased in 65% of workplace sectors in the study.

6. Emotional intelligence scores are not evenly distributed throughout the world. Oceania has the highest average emotional intelligence, and Asia the lowest. All seven global regions, however, have unique strengths and opportunities.

Six Seconds is the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence assessments, training, certification, and coaching. Our mission is growing the world’s emotional intelligence. Our vision is that by 2039, one billion people will be practicing the skills of emotional intelligence. Working toward that vision, we research and develop transformational, globally relevant, and scientifically validated tools and methods to measure and strengthen the key competencies to increase productivity and effectiveness in the workplace The methodology applies to business, education, government and other organizations to create an optimal context for people to be and do their best. For additional State of the Heart Reports 6sec.org/soh

On Fear and being Afraid

Source: Atlas of Emotions

 In my dictionary of Feelings and Needs, Afraid is defined as “a feeling of fear, dread, or apprehension in response to a perceived threat or impending danger.”

The following are listed as synonyms: Fearful, Apprehensive, Scared, Terrified

In this post, renown emotions expert Dr Paul Ekman provides further guidance on fear:

What is Fear?

Fear is one of the seven universal emotions experienced by everyone around the world. Fear arises with the threat of harm, either physical, emotional, or psychological, real or imagined. While traditionally considered a “negative” emotion, fear actually serves an important role in keeping us safe as it mobilizes us to cope with potential danger.

Feeling fear

The family of fearful experiences can be distinguished in terms of three factors:

• Intensity: How severe is the harm that is threatened?

• Timing: Is the harm immediate or impending?

• Coping: What, if any, actions can be taken to reduce or eliminate the threat?

When we are able to cope with the threat, this lessens or removes the fear. Alternatively, when we are helpless to decrease the threat of harm, this intensifies the fear.

Fear can sometimes take place immediately following surprise and often oscillates with the experience of anger.

What makes us fearful

The universal trigger for fear is the threat of harm, real or imagined. This threat can be for our physical, emotional or psychological well-being. While there are certain things that trigger fear in most of us, we can learn to become afraid of nearly anything.

Common fear triggers:

• Darkness or loss of visibility of surroundings

• Heights and flying

• Social interaction and/or rejection

• Snakes, rodents, spiders and other animals

• Death and dying

Moods and disorders

Persistent fear can sometimes be referred to as anxiety if we feel constantly worried without knowing why. The inability to identify the trigger prevents us from being able to remove ourselves, or the actual threat, from the situation.

While anxiety is a common experience for many people, it can be considered a disorder when it is recurrent, persistent, intense, and interferes with basic life tasks such as work and sleep.

Recognizing fear

The facial expression of fear is often confused with surprise. While both expressions show distinctly raised eyebrows, a fear expression's eyebrows are straighter and more horizontal whereas in surprise they are raised and curved. The upper eyelid is also lifted higher in fear than in surprise, exposing more sclera (white of the eye). Finally, the lips are tensed and stretched in fear but more open and slack in surprise.

Source: The Paul Ekman Group

Vocal expression of fear

When experiencing fear, one’s voice often has a higher pitch and more strained tone. One may also scream.

Sensations of fear

Common sensations include feeling cold and shortness of breath. It also may include sweating and trembling or tightening of muscles in the arms and legs.

Posture of fear

The posture of fear can either be one of mobilizing or immobilizing- freezing or moving away.

The function of fear

The universal function of fear is to avoid or reduce harm. Depending on what we have learned in the past about what can protect us in dangerous situations, we are capable of doing many things we wouldn’t typically be able, or willing, to do in order to stop the threat.

The immediate threat of harm focuses our attention, mobilizing us to cope with the danger. In this way, fear can actually save our lives by forcing us to react without having to think about it (e.g., jumping out of the way of a car coming at us). The evolutionary preset actions of fear include fight, flight and freezing.

Responding to fear in ourselves

While traditionally considered a “negative” emotion, fear actually serves an important role in keeping us safe. It can, however, also keep us feeling trapped and prevent us from doing things we’d like to. Whereas some people find fear nearly intolerable and avoid the emotion at all costs, others experience pleasure from feeling fear and seek it out (i.e., watching a horror film).

Responding to fear in others

It takes a well-developed capacity for compassion to respect, feel sympathetic toward, and patiently reassure someone who is afraid of something we are not afraid of (most of us dismiss such fears). We do not need to feel another person's fear to accept it and help them cope.

Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad. Dr. Ekman has compiled over 50 years of his research to create comprehensive training tools to read the hidden emotions of those around you. You can read this article on his website here.

Good News about Emotional Intelligence (as it relates to AI)

By Daniel Goleman,

According to a new report from Microsoft,  about 300 million jobs in the future will be impacted by artificial intelligence. This will mean a new way of working -- AI and humans side-by-side. And a global survey of leaders, the report says, targets three abilities as the “new core competencies”: analytical reasoning, flexibility, and emotional intelligence. 

This conclusion comes from Microsoft’s new Work Trend Index report, a globalsurvey of 31,000 people.

And the BBC reports that while AI will impact millions of jobs in the future, there are two key skill sets its unlikely to overtake: innovation and emotional intelligence.

At the same time, there’s good news for anyone who wants to enhance their emotional intelligence. Belgian researchers report a meta-analysis of more than 150 separate studies with a total of 51,000 people finds that emotional intelligence is a critical skill for career success.

The report highlights the key role adaptability – one of a dozen competencies in my EI model – plays in adjusting to new work realities and coping with any difficulties they might bring.

Another aspect of emotional intelligence that helps over the course of your career stems from the EI strengths of self-awareness and self-management: the self-confidence that you can handle your emotional reactions to whatever surprises work (or life) bring.

The research showed that people higher in EI are more satisfied with their jobs – that is, less likely to quit – which signals they make better career decisions in keeping with their motive and interest, and can adapt to the realities of their job.

And because they are better at managing their own emotions, they tend to be easier to work with, more popular among their workmates – the people others like to be around.

The really good news: the research makes clear that the emotional intelligence skills set is learnable.

Unlike our IQ, which is fairly fixed from birth, EI is learned in life – and can be improved at any point, if we are motivated.